I really don’t know what to type but my first inclination when I can’t sleep is to write most of the time when I can’t sleep it is because of something that is on my mind and my heart so tonights ramblings is because of two people who lost someone they loved….

I never want to capitalize on someone elses pain or sorrow, So I will try to keep this as vague as possible…but her name was Jade…She was only with us a few days but she was loved beyond measure and by many who would never see her smile or feel the warmth of  her skin but a blessing…Her parents I knew not long before she was born…Wonderful parents and people…all the things I could says that were cliches but the one I keep coming back to is …Weeping is for the night but Joy comes in the morning…I try to hold back to much preaching but when I am faced with sorrow or a rip your heart out of your chest moments in life where words hold no power to help or comfort knowing that God desires to put back together the broken pieces when life destroys us…Their is hope…Love deeply, live justly and walk humbly with our God!

Thanks for reading the ramblings of my heart!
And if you pray please pray for the healing and remembrance of this family and jade

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Who decides that!?!?


I have been awake since 6:45 east coast time, and I have no idea why!  This post was inspired by a friend,  who seems disappointed with their dating life, but then I am always like who isn’t  disappointed with that area of their life.  I myself am glad that I am married so it saves me from answering the award questions at family get togethers, and  being 35 I  would be a spinster according to some or the whole mantra that all the good ones are gone by the time they are 30…but I digress.

This person wants to be seen as sexy/manly…alpha, but think  what we all need to hear is how awesome we all are just as we are…I love getting to know people, you know the stuff that makes them a Mike or Rachelle or a Marie… it’s all in the quirks.  That is what makes us awesome…so whether we are tall, short, fat or thin…please just enjoy who you are even if others don’t …find your group that will just like you for you and not judge you for what you are not.

                                                                                                                   Then (senior year of high school)

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I, myself have had this struggle of just being happy with who I am, most of my life I have felt broken like I was a toy no one wanted, or that broken toy you keep but don’t really like. I had thought about suicide, or cutting myself I intensely hated myself for not being what everyone expected me to be  their were so many voices to listen to and in their own way wanted the best for me.  Well into my adults years I felt like I was a  bother to people, and then something wonderful happened. I got arrested for something so out of  character for me and I really had to think about who I was and really relied on the people around me to remind me who I was (I was really angry…listened to Eminem a lot) then I just started listening to one voice, the person that embodied that voice died, and I was left with my own voice but really it was the whisper In my heart that said “it is done, don’t think that way of yourself, you are more than just one moment”

So my question is would you rather be beautiful out  the outside but so broken on the inside and still deal with demons and addictions or would you rather be average on the outside but healed and beautiful on the Inside.

I believe my self to be both at this moment, I still deal with my brokenness but that is also what makes me a Rachel- geniune, loving, loyal, friendly, generous, helpful….

Xoxo
Rachel                                               
                                                                                             Now (at 35)

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The end of your life book club by will schwalbe


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I have been wanting and eye balling this book for seems like years, everywhere I went there it was but I couldn’t afford it or some other  book was more important…but finally it went on bargain book deals at Barnes and Noble.  I looked around seeing if anyone was watching like I was stealing something and tiptoed away smiling to myself and put it on my stack of other bargain books and felt satisfied.  It wasn’t the one I intended to read first but when I put it on my night stand with the others books, it just called out to me.  So I took it with me to ufc gym while my daughter was taking a kickboxing class and watching an adult BJJ class and didn’t think I would really get into it because I normally I just don’t enjoy memoirs but lately I can get enough of them, I think I have figured out that I need advice from others how  to handle certain situations in my life.

Back in July, during the worst week of at least this year I found out that my dad has cancer, and I really needed to read something about that to focus myself.  It is now October, he had some complication with his health but hopefully, he can focus on getting healthy and he doesn’t share to much but I have been able to see him which is a good thing.  Back to the book, I am a book hog or a collector you might say, I love stories all kinds.  To me the written word is such a powerful thing and at some point I would love to just the writers club to say I have contributed to society and the human conversation.

I do plan on reviewing the book…now…I loved so many things about it but really what struck me was the fact that we as children never really know our parents as people but as mom and dad, they are a fixed image in our minds whether it is a positive image or negative.  Getting to ask the questions we have always wanted to know the answers to, Each one of us is a dynamic being that deserves love and respect, and to enter this world with joy and to leave this world with joy.

I loved the tenderness with which he described his mother and her consideration for others, I am sorry she had to leave this world, she left such an amazing legacy about what being an independent woman means to stand up and be counted as a positive voice and leave the world much better than you found it.

I can’t express enough that these words will change your life…Final words, Let us all listen to each other, smile, and be counted in the human conversation by participating and loving those all around us whether you agree with them or not.  Peace is possible, through understand and patience.

Thank you :)                                                                                                           My Dad playing with my daughter (Grace)

My Dad, son (collin) and daughter (eve)5002_93408503210_7142011_n

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Inspiration


June 17, 2014

It’s weird but I love the written word that I feel that words, books, quotes and comic become apart of my psyche. That it becomes apart of me… It becomes apart of the legacy I am passing down to my children. I have noticed in my life I lack commitment to my ideals and that bugs me as a person, who thinks about life and have developed a way of living and what really matter is I want to change it has to be me that changes it….I have been searching for inspiration …a quote won’t do, I want to be inspired to be a better mother, a better wife, a better human, to care for others, to search out my dreams set on a course to achieve them! This is what it means to be alive and I am tired of just existing…I want to live inspired…

I am a 34 year old (almost 35; so maybe this is my mid life crisis:/) 293.2 lbs. mother of 4 children (ages 14,12,7,5) so far so good. I am still cool to my teen but don’t know how much longer that will last. Maybe this is from living a life of always doing what is best for others and never doing for me. Maybe I should just give up and burn my dreams and live comatose the rest of the time I have. Maybe I should just focus and live a shallow life.

So far I have found 3 people who really inspire me in different ways, no these aren’t people that I know personally but people who inspire me nonetheless. My first is Leonard Sweet, he is an author who is a professor of theology. He inspires me to not take what “church” says but to think and that scripture is way more deep than what is on the surface or what your pastor says. I feel like he looks at the whole world, and shows where God is involved. Just someone who inspires me to think of faith and take it out of the box. I love that,
My second is C.M. Punk, the more I learn the more I am inspired. His personal story, is a lot like mine but instead of just thinking I wasn’t good enough or wasn’t worth it. He said “I am worth it! I deserve better and am I am going to find it and I am going to pursue it”. He’s more of the legacy I want my kids to have that you work hard, focus on your dreams, stay clean and they won’t be able to deny you your dream. I am glad that I am still able to be inspired…Thank you Mr. Brooks for it all!
My last is Stephen Amell, but he inspires me physically, I know I have done a blog on this already. The tweets and posts and the videos of him running or doing the par core stuff that he does. I am like I want to do that it looks like so much fun! I really want to get into mma/kicking boxing just because it looks like fun, but to do those things I need to lose weight. I started out at 308 lbs, my biggest problem is being committed to do it everyday. So every time I think about not exercising, I think of Stephen Amell running 10 1/2 miles for my entertainment I am like I can get up and move my body. I know my husband thinks I have an obsession but really it is just inspiration.

All these things just add up to telling myself that I am worth it… That loving myself is worth the extra effort… My dreams don’t belong on a shelf but in my heart pushing myself onward and upward, to inspire others to push to achieve. Let my kids know to always work hard, to keep pushing forward.

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Am I worth it


When did we or I ever start thinking that just because I am not perfect… That I am not worthy of love, attention, or caring. When did I become someone to judge or loathe, that it was ok, to cast me aside. Society should never dictate to people, but people dictate to soceity. What do we want the world to look like, like the quote says

be the change you want to see in the world

I am determined to live passionately, with purpose and I know my kids will see and hopefully follow. So there is a world fully of people who put others first, reach out in love, and inspire other to be more than what they are at that moment, seeing who they could be instead of who they.

I say all that to say this:

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This past week I was was on Twitter and ran across this tweet by Stephen Amell and it made me feel really lazy, like horrible…if he can do that for my entertainment then I can do 20 minutes of cardio or whatever… :) let’s all be as passionate about ourselves as he is about his career…<3 it really inspired me…So Mr.Amell thank you!

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Looking for the right quote


Lately life has been a struggle, no I am dealing with things that are life threating but for me they are soul crushing. Maybe that is why I turn my thoughts to heroes or more importantly, the hero within. I need to be the hero for my husband, for my kids, for myself. I have often felt like just giving up, and not fighting for those I love be just settle into just being and not doing. I have often felt that mistakes I have made are over but recently I feel like they are crushing me like I was stacking boxes then they just fell and I am slowly suffocating under them and once in a while I can move one and see the light, then another one falls in it place. I know their is hope, I know I only need to reach my hand out and get that help up. That person will tell me “you are not done yet, get up and fight, fight for me and for your children and your husband. You are stronger than you let your self be quit look for the hero on the outside but the one that lives within you”

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Thank you

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Like a hero


As of right now I am obsessed with Arrow the tv show! If you haven’t seen it you just must go on Netflix and watch the whole of season one.
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For me as a person, wife, and mother- the show Arrow it inspires me . It shows someone who is struggling with many inner demons and bad choices and who I once was and can never be again, all the while exploring the humanity of life again. We all need people who are doing these things to help us not to forget to fight to never surrender doing good or give up on ourselves and each other. Oliver Queen shows who we shouldn’t be either self centered, jerk, and who really doesn’t care about who he hurts. Oliver comes back from the island a changed person in more than one way, he is determined to be the person he always thought his father was, and to honor his father in ways that only a son can. “If you go through a crucible, you grow the stronger for it” and if you have lost someone you really love and cared about, in a sense you stop living for your self but for the memory of being greater better.

As a person I need to know that heroes exist , their a force that compels good people to never think of ourselves but to help others fight the battle between good and evil. We all have a dark side of our personalities, it hard sometimes not to give in when we see evil all around us doing well. While the good suffers,

love mercy, do justly, be humble before God

But it is in that suffering that make the good worth doing. I personally love that heroes now and days, are highly imperfect that they struggle inside their own minds of what they are doing. Reconciling, in their own minds what they are doing also that they can not do it alone they need other like minded people who have a desire to use the talents they have to make a difference for the good of others.

As a mother , I am responsible for raising 4 unique individuals, 3 girls and 1 boy. I need Batman and The Arrow, to show my kids that

do the right thing because it is the right thing

For my children I want them to possess all the ideals of what heroes are honest, loving, loyal, honorable, sees the best in people, a leader.I have been exposing my kids to this since my oldest was in diapers, but it never became that important until I had my son. There is something in having a boy that makes you want him to be better than you. I was no longer good enough, that a young man need older men to show him the way. How you treat women, being respectful, living your life with honor, giving a 100% all the time. It is not that I didn’t feel that way with my girls, I still feel inadequate to raise my children, I love them enough to say I am still working on being a better person, I keep fighting my demons and letting them see me struggle hopefully they know it is all for them.

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So The Arrow helps me to never lose hope, keep fighting, to put others first, never use people because they are emotionally compromised, find those other people and use your talents for good. I contend everyone is a hero you just have to have that one person that believes in you, that you more than what you seem that gives you a vision of the person you want to be, they become your muse or inspiration for living better.

We all need each other and we all need to be aware that we are each going throughout something to honor those experiences. Don’t push down painful things but embrace them feel that pain and let it propel you forward to a new future and a new hope.

My new quote to live by:

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The person that saved me who was my hero was my step father, who past away in August of 2011, he inspires me because he loved me and saw the good in me when I was just a broken child and he lived being a hero until he lost his battle.

Thank you for reading!

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What does it mean to be well educated


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I am a mother of 4 children, I love the idea of homeschooling but can never be organized enough to really do it. I have tried on and off for the last 8 years mostly with my oldest two, but never really feel like I am successful at it. I think we as parents want the same things for our kids, to be critical thinkers, to have a heart for others, to be wise , be able to function in society, have faith, have careers and kids and wives/husbands. It doesn’t matter so much on whether on the political climate, even though I consider myself independent. I want for my children to yearn to learn and not so much to pass a test but because it is fun. Isn’t that why we send them to school because they do it fun! I feel like I do it wrong, but I do want my kids to enjoy it. Not sit here, read that and answer those questions. Education is supposed to be about experiencing what ever it is they are supposed to be learning. Let us as parent be less about ….be the best as long as they are learning. Maybe it would take the pressure off to where in stead of cramming, they could sleep and get the 92 instead of the 94.

I am hoping to finish the book, be in pieces, so I am more able to soak it in…I am warning you now that I am just a mother and not an intellectual ….Let me know what you think :)

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Days like today!


I am on a mission to be a better me…nothing to deep, not meaning to sound vain but I really just want to be a better looking me. Long term goal is to lose 172 lbs, short goal is be at 280 lbs! I got the most amazing shoes, they are the one that make you want to go on an adventure.
Run, walk, it doesn’t matter and the best part is that they are comfortable… I am currently 300 lbs and I just want to run in them ….anyway.

Today has been one of those days where I want nothing more than to be outside walking everywhere or go for a little jog but you know what it is doing outside ? Yes, raining…I want to walk and get the girls from school but the hubby was like no …I think I was actually pouting in the car like a seven year old. I am hoping to get outside tomorrow and I hope it will be a better day for it.

Blessings

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Hearing, Angels and miracles


I have always enjoyed talking to my husband but today was different, today I felt inspired. Today was a good day, I woke up feeling frustrated at a lot of things but most of all that my early rising hubby was still in bed (I don’t know why I was upset about that) and I knew our adventure seeking daughter was getting into things. As my day went along, I was feeling pretty good, having energy, I was able to afford a pair of new sneakers to exercise in (yeah me!) . I also spent an amazing day outside, nice breeze, not hot and just enjoying my kids.

The most amazing thing I did today was explain something that I have learned and it was is so powerful. It started when my stepfather died and loseing him was horrible, I still miss him. I had to get a new phone and my voicemails would be lost if I switched over, I had been holding on to the phone because it had his voice in the voicemails. I didn’t to lose what he said and how he said, I didn’t want to forget…through my tears when I cry my thought running through my head was I always wanted his voice in my head and it was my mantra I would say it and say it….I felt like he was the only one speaking good things over me and about me. There came a time when I was saying this to myself and God broke through the fog I was in and said Don’t you know it was me the whole time

It floored me, I had known God loved me but it wasn’t until that moment did I realize how much. That is the important truth, all the good things that happen to you or that people say to you, it is all God, it is him knowing what you really need and saying and doing that thing. It is really up to us to hear and obey, to reach out and touch people with smiles or a compliment…we are sharing the love we receive from God and give it away freely so that we may all be full and satisfied want in nothing.

The best thing I remember, was how loved I was by him, it was just his presence. My mother and I said the same thing of him that he was our angel, we were broken and in need of love from a man who was and wanted to be that knight in shining armor but in return I think he needed us too. Just how we were all broken in need of love and acceptance from each other and what we became was a family…and welcomed two amazing kids into our family. We lost him way too soon the world needs more people who love like he did and still does through his legacy of his children.

Lately my thing has been “I need to give out of my need”, I don’t know why but right now I am living on fumes. So when I give anything from smiles to money, I am giving from my need. Hopefully selflessly and I am glad he in not done with me yet :)

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